Here's a secret most celebrants won't tell you: the vows are the single most important part of your ceremony. Not the music. Not the flowers. Not the outfit (though, obviously, keep looking incredible). Your vows are the reason everyone is there. They're the actual point.
And yet, most couples leave them to the last minute, panic-write them the night before, and end up reading something that sounds like it was pulled from a generic wedding website. I've heard hundreds of vows — and the ones that land? They're always the personal ones.
So here's my honest, no-fluff guide to writing vows that sound like you.
Start messy. Like, really messy.
Forget about writing something polished. Grab your phone notes at 11pm, a napkin at brunch, the back of a receipt — whatever. Just start dumping thoughts. What do you love about this person? What drives you mental about them (in a good way)? What's a moment that made you think "yep, this one"?
Don't edit. Don't filter. Just write. You'll shape it later.
Get ridiculously specific
This is where the magic happens. Anyone can say "you're kind" or "you make me happy." But only you can say:
"The way you always order me a second coffee because you know I'll want one, even though I always say I won't."
That's the stuff that makes people cry. The tiny, specific, only-you-two-get-it details. Think about:
- Their habits that you secretly love
- A specific moment when you knew
- The way they are with your family, friends, or pets
- Something they do that nobody else notices
- An inside joke that would make sense in context
Use the three-part structure
If you're staring at a blank page, try this simple framework:
Part 1: The story. How you met, when you knew, a moment that changed things. Set the scene — this is your "why."
Part 2: The now. What you love about your life together right now. What they bring to your world. How they make you better.
Part 3: The promise. What you're committing to. The big stuff and the small stuff. "I promise to always be your safe place" AND "I promise to never judge your 2am cheese toastie habit."
Keep it to 1–2 minutes
That's roughly 200–300 words. I know that sounds short, but trust me — when you're standing in front of everyone you love, trying not to ugly cry, 2 minutes feels like an eternity.
Quality over quantity. Every single time. If a sentence doesn't make you feel something, cut it.
Read it out loud (seriously)
Read your vows out loud — to yourself, to your dog, in the shower. If it doesn't sound like something you'd actually say to your partner over a glass of wine, rewrite it. Your vows should sound like you talking, not a Hallmark card or a TED talk.
Pro tip: record yourself reading them on your phone and play it back. You'll immediately hear which bits are "you" and which bits are "trying too hard."
Don't coordinate (but do set boundaries)
You don't need to show each other your vows beforehand — in fact, please don't. The surprise is half the magic. But it's totally fine to agree on a few things:
- Tone: Are we going funny? Emotional? A mix?
- Length: Both aim for roughly the same length
- Level of personal: Are we going deep deep, or keeping some things private?
This way you avoid one person reading a 30-second joke and the other delivering a 10-minute emotional monologue. (It happens more than you'd think.)
The one thing that matters most
Mean it. That's it. The best vows aren't the most eloquent. They're the most honest. If every word is true, it will land.
And if you get up there and your voice shakes and the tears come and you can barely get through it? That's the good stuff. That's what everyone will remember.
"Don't aim for perfect. Aim for real."
Need more help? Check out my full Vow Writing Guide with prompts and step-by-step tips. Or just reach out — helping couples write incredible vows is literally one of my favourite parts of the job.